Emotional Ramblings @ Present

I feel really bored, really stressed, and really sad.
But I don’t feel any of it because I feel numb.
I am so busy, everyday that I don’t have time to let my emotions catch up with me and when I do have spare time I waste it sitting at home alone doing nothing because I need ‘me’ time.
I don’t actually know if I want ‘me’ time at the moment, well I know for sure it is not the kind where I lay down on my bed and don’t move for hours.
I want to do something but I never know what, so I just don’t.

I would like to write what is making me bored, stressed and sad please, so here it all is in hopes of this helping me cope with it.

Read More

Trump.

I think it is important to understand why Donald Trump has been elected president and in my opinion it was a really a campaign of Classic American Government vs Anti-Government and Change. People voted for change, they don’t know what they want exactly but they know what they don’t want…a classic government. That is why I don’t call the American people stupid for voting him in.

I do not disagree in someone coming in and cutting through the bullshit. Apart from the environmental impacts it may have, I am excited to see what a business man will bring to government and I understand the appeal of #drainingtheswamp. I believe in the possibility of what trump represents; a change in structured, divided governments.

But amongst all this hype of a man who “tells it like it is” and a successful business man who wants to make America great again… people have forgotten who the man that represents all these ideals really is. A sexist, a racist, an xenophobic, islamaphobic, transphobic who talks freely about sexually advancing on women without their consent. Who has mimicked and mocked disabled people on stage, taunted a former miss Universe for her weight gain, talked about him somehow deserving a Purple Heart because he has made sacrifices. Who’s current wife stole an entire campaign speech off Michelle Obama and it got swept under the rug, who’s son has such little respect for the law he posted his ballot paper online illegally. A man who is happily endorsed by KKK members and pretends he knows nothing about white supremacy whilst calling all Mexicans criminals and rapists. A man who spreads change and hope for people who are just like him but fear and hate for anyone different.
Go ahead and elect a business man who tells it like it is and will know how to boost the economy… but I will NOT accept that is has to be Donald Trump. It does not have to be someone with a set (or lack there of) of values like his. You have just told an entire country that his actions are not only okay, but will let you become President of the Unites States of America.

I accept the idea of what he represents but I do not, and never will, accept Donald Trump.

 

Stay Full of Love,

Alex
x

 

 

Talking Positivity with my Grandfather

Chats with Grandpa always leave my soul feeling nourished and my mind feeling satisfied with its inner workings. Before I tell you what the topic of conversation was tonight, first let me paint a picture of my Grandfather…  An ex-footy player, ex-sergeant detective, taxi driver, and business owner who grew up on a farm inland from Byron Bay in NSW Australia with three other siblings.
My Grandfather is not an emotional man, quite the opposite really, he will push your buttons until you’re on the verge of tears to teach you to be stronger. But he is smart beyond measure, his genorosity compares to nobody else I have ever met, he values his own company until he has a few too many wines and turns into a total clown and becomes the life of the party. He is a hard man that has seen and experienced a lot of fucked up shit that has made him both impervious to pity and the most understanding of the human mind.
The topic we got onto tonight was positive thinking. We spoke about how positive thinking may be harder for some than others but always easily attainable with a willingness to learn the practice. He told me even when I was in diapers,  I always carried a positive attitude and in the past year he has seen it blossom and manifest in my life even further. To his credit, he confided that he believes Veganism has played a huge role in that. For a hard-working true blue bloke, he has such a keen mind to the inner spirituality of the body and mind that he doesn’t even realise. He spoke of how our body is 90% and our brain is 10% yet our brain is everything and how we think is what we become. He talks about concepts like manifestation, without ever using the word. He has just learnt it through his life, it is so inspiring.
I spoke of the liberating idea that you can do whatever you want in this world, and the only thing standing between you and your goals is your excuses as to why its ‘impossible’. I spoke of the fact that I have noticed I have been putting on a little bit of weight but I am a different person now so instead of freaking out, crying and reacting like I am told I am supposed to by the media… I am at peace with it. Don’t get me wrong, I am not happy with it but I have realised that it was myself that let me get this way and if how I looked was really THAT important to me than I would do something, but at the moment my studies are more important to me. I do not freak out because I know how to lose the weight and I know I will do it, but perhaps in a month or when my F45 membership commences at the new gym.
Grandpa spoke of the power of the words ‘I can’t’ and ‘I don’t want to’ which is so key to positivity. You can do ANYTHING, it is your personal choice not to. And that does not have to be a bad thing. You do not have to want to do the things everyone else tells you, you should want to do. You should be at peace with yourself, and if you want to make a decision to change know that there is no pressure, your life is totally and utterly in your hands.

Stay full of LOVE,

Alex

x

MINIMISE

I love self-growth and self-improvement. Its the feeling of your mind expanding and opening and it becomes addicting because you want to know everything there is to know. You want to see how far the rabbit-hole goes.

Currently, my latest project is my embarkment on minimalism and I must say it’s the best decision I have made since veganism. Holy cow there is no better feeling than throwing out things and realising how much crap you do NOT need to live your life.
We are taught to consume, and that consuming and buying and collecting and owning make us better than the person next to us. More successful. But this clutter in our wardrobes, bathrooms, kitchens, in our LIVES is stressing us out. We do not need more, we need less.
Since culling 75% of the things that I own I have never felt more at peace with myself, happy with the asethetics of my living spaces and I have never been more productive!

Yes it is awesome for  yourself but it is also awesome for the planet. Smaller ecological footprints on Mother Earth mean longer prosperous years. Im rambling because I had an epiphany about something else half way through this so I may come back and edit this one day (probably not).

Stay full of love,

Alex

x

Be the Lion

One of my Facebook friends recently posted a status that read
“It’d be interesting to hear some of the things that get said about you when you aren’t around, it’d be interesting to see how much of it is bad/negative compared to the positive things.”


While yes it would be slightly interesting, I think it is a deeper reflection of self insecurity.
If I may stroke my own ego, I believe I worded it nicely with my response which read
“People will never know you as well as you know yourself. This is why if you are happy with the kind of person you are, their opinions don’t matter. Lions don’t lose sleep on the opinion of sheep”


Mind my cliche, but I believe I had a moment of clarity in my response. I believe there are  few reasons people talk shit about others (feel free to comment any others you may think of, I would love to hear them)

  1. People are jealous of somebody else’s confidence or success so their initial response to avoid self reflection and change is to pick out the flaws in that person.
  2. People find that person annoying. Now this shits me up the wall because not everyone is going to be your cup of tea but unless they are being rude or upsetting other people, there is no reason to verbally hate on them because of their mannerisms.
  3. They are trying to impress the person they are talking to. Maybe it’s someone they’re attracted to or maybe it’s a boss or just a person they don’t know too well and they are searching for conversation topics. SPOILER: choose a better topic you boring asshole.
  4. Maybe the person they are hating on is legitimately a terrible person and they may or may not have had personal experiences with them before.

I’m hoping this also helps me to stop stressing about other people’s thoughts about me! 

Am I fat?

I didn’t think I was. I know I could lose weight but I didn’t realise I was at the stage where it was something people noticed when they looked at me.
For the second time in a month my grand mother has made a comment on my stomach.
Let me paint the scene of what was happening minutes ago when my entire mood and mindset changed. I was cooking myself dinner (rice, beans, carrot, peas, spinach and avocado), chatting to grandma about her decision to cut back on her meat, egg and dairy intake and I grabbed one of my vegan cookbooks and was pointing out things I liked about it; general chat really but she wasn’t saying much. When I stopped talking about it to start eating my dinner she decides to say “Don’t take this the wrong way please but if your stomach doesn’t go down you should see the doctor, you should get your ovaries checked out”
… …
I was absolutely shocked and stood still for a solid 5 seconds just staring at her until I burst into tears and threw a multitude of angry stress-filled questions such as “Why would you say that”, “I didn’t even think my stomach was that big”, “You were just waiting for me to finish talking so you could bring this up because you never listen to what I have to say”, “You can’t say that to people, I don’t have fucking cancer I just have a stomach”… you get the gist.  To which she proceeded to get her back up and protect herself by saying “I didn’t mean it like that I’m just worried about you. I’m not allowed to look out for you?” and my favourite “I knew you would have a go at me for saying that”. I was a blubbering mess, clearly I was hardly having a go at you I was just trying to salvage some part of my self confidence as it had been shattered and scattered to every corner of the fucking room.

Words like this have a huge effect; straight away I was looking at the knife I was drying up and pressed it against my wrist, I stopped eating my dinner and packed it away in a container, I thought about how bad it was that starving myself could never work because I like food so much so bulimia would work better for me and how FUCKED UP it was that I was thinking that when I know how bad it is and how much I never would want an eating disorder.  I was thinking about how I need to wear baggy shirts to training tonight now, and how my own grandmother noticed my stomach enough to comment on it even though she knew how much it upset me last time she mentioned it.  I can’t even be comfortable with my body in my own house now.

So now I am confused with what I see in the mirror, am I fat? I didn’t think I was. But as the self-esteem drops, the image in the mirror becomes distorted to match the tiny voices in your head that say “you need to lose weight”, “you are not good enough”.

His Actions Speak Louder To Our Hearts

I’ve had guys drive almost 2 hours to visit me.

I’ve had guys squeeze my hand under the table, look me in the eyes and tell me that I look beautiful.

I’ve had guys text me all day every day.

I’ve had guys tell me “you’re exactly my type”

I’ve had guys go down on me for hours.

I’ve had guys demand to pull me closer at night and kiss my neck as I fall asleep.

I’ve had guys give me back massages voluntarily and ask to brush my hair and do it so gently.

I’ve had guys promise me they would never go back to their ex.

I’ve had guys blame their lack of commitment on their own daddy issues.

I’ve had guys stop messaging me back or return my calls within the space of a day.

I’ve had guys pretend that it meant nothing.

I’ve had guys that insist they made it “clear from the start” what they wanted when the signs said differently.

Ive had guys gang up on me when they’re around their mates after I stayed up all night to wipe their tears away.

Just because you say you don’t want anything serious doesn’t mean you can act like you love someone and still expect them not to get attached. It doesn’t mean you get to walk away with no explanation.

In my experience there are two kinds of guys when it comes to this;

The first kind is the nice guy that isn’t ready for a relationship but likes you enough to hang out with you and have sleepovers. They want to hold your hand and compliment you and see you most days but just cannot be in a relationship. But they are so sweet and do all these things for us so of course we can’t help but fall for them. It’s human nature. Stop putting the blame on us for having faith in someone and not ignoring all the romantic signals they put up. Why are we criticised for not second-guessing your actions. And criticised for being a hard bitch when we no longer believe anything a man says or does.

Ladies are made to seem stupid or laughed at when a guy changes his mind ‘out of nowhere’. Im sick of this whole generation  where when a guy tricks a girl into falling for him and then turns around and says “I told you from the start what I wanted”

The second kind of guys are those guys that say they really want to be with you but ________. They tell you you’re the one they want to be with and you wait for the bullshit reason they cannot, to dissolve. Again, stuck in limbo but so convinced and invested in this person because again it’s our human nature to believe each other. Why would they lie? Why would they want to hurt us? These guys are typically the more ‘fuckboy’ ‘player’ type. The intentionally cruel, out for one thing, don’t care who they hurt bitch type.

Men can’t have the best of both worlds, they can’t cuddle you and kiss your cheeks if they don’t want to commit to you. Don’t let them use you when they want but still not know where you stand. A real man keeps it 100 and never makes you doubt them.

DISCLAIMER: This is not for the men that say they just want to fuck and treat you like a friend. There’s nothing wrong with that when you act the same way you speak. 

Give Girls Their Virginity Back

Why is it so important to hold onto your virginity?

Why do romance novels aimed at the demographic of young girls portray the main character as usually a virgin and hype up her first time to the tenth degree? I understand and completely agree with the notion that your first time SHOULD be with someone that respects you but it doesn’t have to be ‘the love of your life‘.

“Sarah ‘lost’ her virginity” Sorry, but what exactly does that even mean? She has not lost anything. She has not lost part of herself or become a lesser person because of it. Having sex for the first time is scary enough without adding the fear of ridicule and gossiping on top of that! This perpetuates to men that they have won or found something by ‘taking’ a girls virginity. “I ‘took’ her virginity”… If the sex was consensual than you didn’t take anything.  By allowing men to think they have won or achieved something by having sex with a virgin it pushes rape culture by boys pressuring girls in to their first time when they may not be ready yet.

Stop coveting virginity for women, stop giving men some nonexistent power for taking a girls vitginity.

The long-term side effects of my bullied past.

Around 6 years of bullying has really taken its toll on my thought patterns. Now when I say bullying, it came in a lot of different forms; in primary school the boys wouldn’t let me play sports with them and the girls would make fun of me for being different. High school wasn’t any easier as I had to go to an all-girls catholic high school where the cliques were rigid and you had to fit a set of guidelines to be included. The boys knew who my crush was and would constantly pretend that he was asking me out online and embarrass me. The crush was my friend but also went along with all of his mates’ mean jokes so that was terrible for my mind. The bullying at school was a lot sneakier, it was done through exclusion mostly.

When I did manage to find some friends, the rest of their group wouldn’t like me. I was constantly sad and worried and would spend a lot of time finding soemthing to do at break times to avoid having to find someone to sit with because nobody seemed to want me around. I wasn’t invited to birthday parties by my “friends”, always made to be the one that took the pictures of them and at one point I was accused of something ridiculous just for a reason for them to kick me out of the group. This went one for 3 years of me floating around to different friendship groups.

The rest of high school was great after year 9/10 when I found a lovely bunch of weirdos to hang out with.

I don’t even realise it most of the time but when I want someone (a friend, a potential love interest etc) to like me I become so anxious. The little voice in my head is constantly in my ear repeating “They do not want you around.”…”You are so annoying”…”Nobody could take you seriously enough to like you”

I’ve gotten a lot better at loving myself and not speaking rudely to myself but I have noticed these thought patterns happen unconciously and a lot of the time I am unaware of it until I’ve talked myself into an anxious mess.

I don’t have much of a conclusion to this as I’m still constantly battling it so it’s very raw.

Working harder to be a better me,

Stay full of LOVE,

Alex

x

Be Yourself! …Wait, how?

“Just Be Yourself!”… Oh okay, thank-you for that ultra vague, super cliché tip. It really just changed my entire perspective… said no-one ever.

Despite my sarcastic introduction to this topic I actually am a terribly firm believer in being yourself in every sense of the word and I thought that was exactly how I was living my life. Until today.
Bear with me with this odd beginning…I have a point I swear…
I was watching tutorials on YouTube about dying hair silver/grey and a variety of pastel colours. (Bit of history, Taylor and I used to dye our hair blue and pink when we were 14/15, before it was in fashion and we were seen as super eccentric for it haha and now, of course, its a giant trend.) I was getting really excited and was thinking about dying maybe the bottom layer of my hair a blue/purple colour but I wasn’t sure. Or as I said to Taylor “I’m too scared!”. Too scared..? To dye my hair a temporary colour? And just like that it clicked.
I WANTED to try something, but I was SCARED of what people would say. I was scared to be myself. Look if I am being 100% honest I was scared about what a guy might think of it and what certain girls might say and if it would suit me and the ‘look’ I was going for… I did not even realise I was going for a look! I should not be going for ‘a certain look’, that is a mistake on the road to being yourself.

Being yourself means having total faith in yourself, loving yourself and not being afraid to show yourself to the world, despite what other people might say.

Sometimes I do not feel faithful to myself, I forget to love myself and I feel very powerless. Sometimes I begin to slip into old habits of letting my happiness rely on my desirability to someone else. Someone who is not perfect themselves and does not know how I work. I worry about how many people are talking about my behind my back, snickering at me, pointing out my flaws. I get anxious that I am annoying. I get anxious that I am annoying. I get anxious that I am annoying. That is the perfect summary of these thoughts brought in by the gremlin that lives in the back of my mind and in the corners of my smile. This little gremlin tries to crawl into the forefront of my mind every so often and drag me backwards, away from self-love and self-acceptance. He tries to tell me that of course it is important that, that person should like me and that I need to try and impress people by being someone that I am not.
Every day I am working towards silencing the little gremlin forever. (Sometimes my hormones do not help me with this haha)

So all that pointless story-time aside, what did I realise?
1. Sometimes you think you are being yourself but you are not.
2. Caring about other peoples opinions on how you look or what you say is not being yourself.
3. To be yourself you must…here it is… DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY! (Ugh, another cliché)
4. Being yourself means you will be walking with true friends, which is always worth it, no matter how small the circle gets.

So I will be dying my hair whatever colour I feel like and having fun with it because doing what makes you happy is a PERSONAL choice and is not the same for everyone so therefore you are being unique, you are being YOURSELF! (Success!)

Stay full of LOVE

Alex

x