Around 6 years of bullying has really taken its toll on my thought patterns. Now when I say bullying, it came in a lot of different forms; in primary school the boys wouldn’t let me play sports with them and the girls would make fun of me for being different. High school wasn’t any easier as I had to go to an all-girls catholic high school where the cliques were rigid and you had to fit a set of guidelines to be included. The boys knew who my crush was and would constantly pretend that he was asking me out online and embarrass me. The crush was my friend but also went along with all of his mates’ mean jokes so that was terrible for my mind. The bullying at school was a lot sneakier, it was done through exclusion mostly.
When I did manage to find some friends, the rest of their group wouldn’t like me. I was constantly sad and worried and would spend a lot of time finding soemthing to do at break times to avoid having to find someone to sit with because nobody seemed to want me around. I wasn’t invited to birthday parties by my “friends”, always made to be the one that took the pictures of them and at one point I was accused of something ridiculous just for a reason for them to kick me out of the group. This went one for 3 years of me floating around to different friendship groups.
The rest of high school was great after year 9/10 when I found a lovely bunch of weirdos to hang out with.
I don’t even realise it most of the time but when I want someone (a friend, a potential love interest etc) to like me I become so anxious. The little voice in my head is constantly in my ear repeating “They do not want you around.”…”You are so annoying”…”Nobody could take you seriously enough to like you”
I’ve gotten a lot better at loving myself and not speaking rudely to myself but I have noticed these thought patterns happen unconciously and a lot of the time I am unaware of it until I’ve talked myself into an anxious mess.
I don’t have much of a conclusion to this as I’m still constantly battling it so it’s very raw.
Working harder to be a better me,
Stay full of LOVE,