I didn’t think I was. I know I could lose weight but I didn’t realise I was at the stage where it was something people noticed when they looked at me.
For the second time in a month my grand mother has made a comment on my stomach.
Let me paint the scene of what was happening minutes ago when my entire mood and mindset changed. I was cooking myself dinner (rice, beans, carrot, peas, spinach and avocado), chatting to grandma about her decision to cut back on her meat, egg and dairy intake and I grabbed one of my vegan cookbooks and was pointing out things I liked about it; general chat really but she wasn’t saying much. When I stopped talking about it to start eating my dinner she decides to say “Don’t take this the wrong way please but if your stomach doesn’t go down you should see the doctor, you should get your ovaries checked out”
I was absolutely shocked and stood still for a solid 5 seconds just staring at her until I burst into tears and threw a multitude of angry stress-filled questions such as “Why would you say that”, “I didn’t even think my stomach was that big”, “You were just waiting for me to finish talking so you could bring this up because you never listen to what I have to say”, “You can’t say that to people, I don’t have fucking cancer I just have a stomach”… you get the gist. To which she proceeded to get her back up and protect herself by saying “I didn’t mean it like that I’m just worried about you. I’m not allowed to look out for you?” and my favourite “I knew you would have a go at me for saying that”. I was a blubbering mess, clearly I was hardly having a go at you I was just trying to salvage some part of my self confidence as it had been shattered and scattered to every corner of the fucking room.
Words like this have a huge effect; straight away I was looking at the knife I was drying up and pressed it against my wrist, I stopped eating my dinner and packed it away in a container, I thought about how bad it was that starving myself could never work because I like food so much so bulimia would work better for me and how FUCKED UP it was that I was thinking that when I know how bad it is and how much I never would want an eating disorder. I was thinking about how I need to wear baggy shirts to training tonight now, and how my own grandmother noticed my stomach enough to comment on it even though she knew how much it upset me last time she mentioned it. I can’t even be comfortable with my body in my own house now.
So now I am confused with what I see in the mirror, am I fat? I didn’t think I was. But as the self-esteem drops, the image in the mirror becomes distorted to match the tiny voices in your head that say “you need to lose weight”, “you are not good enough”.